Last week I wrote that in order to get what you want, you have to want what you have. And one of you sent me a question so good I had to write a whole letter about it.
The question was essentially this: what about people in abusive situations? Are you saying they should just accept it?
No. And I want to be really clear about something, because I think this word — acceptance — gets misunderstood in the worst possible way.
Accepting something is not approving of it. Accepting something doesn't mean you think it's good, or that you want it to continue, or that you're celebrating it.
Acceptance is a neutral stance toward what actually is. Nothing more. And that neutrality is where all the power lives.
And this is true of all situations in every area of life, but let's just start with one very real example.
I worked at a domestic violence shelter for a while. And every single woman who ended up there had one thing in common: before she got there, she didn't think it was that bad.
I heard things like, "He slapped me, but it didn't really hurt, so I figured it wasn't that serious." Or "Yeah, he beat the shit out of me, but I was being difficult, so I kind of understood why he lost his temper." Or he'd show up with flowers after an episode, and she'd think he's trying to change.
And maybe some of them were trying. But trying isn't the same as changed.
So why didn't these women leave sooner? Because they weren't accepting reality. They were hoping. Wishing. Telling themselves the story that if only he got better, if only things calmed down, if only, if only… then the situation would change. The acceptance was nowhere near the picture. And so the denial had to keep growing until the situation got so bad that reality could no longer be avoided. For some of these women, that point was nearly losing their lives.
Of course women wanted to change the situation, but they were in denial about how to go about it. They were thinking the situation would change when he becomes a guy that doesn't abuse them, when the reality is that the situation was only gonna change when they got out of there.
AND: women in abusive situations are not there because it's their fault. They're not there because they're dumb or weak or putting up with something they should know better than to tolerate. They're there for complicated reasons that would take more than a single letter to unpack. But the moment they could look at the situation for what it was in reality, without the filter of hope and denial, when they could see it for what it actually was, that was the day things started to get better for them.
As we all know but we love to forget: we cannot change other people. We can only change ourselves. And waiting for an abuser to become someone who doesn't abuse you is a long, dangerous wait. The only thing that was ever in their power to change was their own part in it. And the first step to doing that was seeing clearly.
This applies way beyond abusive relationships, by the way.
The person who keeps saying "I'll see the doctor when it gets worse." The person who says "my drinking isn't really a problem." The business owner who knows something isn't working but keeps hoping it'll turn around on its own. We are so beautifully, maddeningly good at not seeing things clearly. At lying to ourselves. At softening reality just enough to make it tolerable.
So when I say “want what you have”, I mean this: be willing to see your situation for exactly what it is. Not what you wish it was. Not what it might become. What it is right now. Because a clear picture is the only honest starting point for change. Once you have that, you can actually decide: do I want to keep going with this, or do I want to transform it? But before you have that clarity, there's very little you can do.
Today, I hope you find the courage to look at whatever is up for you with clear eyes, and the determination to make a choice about how you wanna live.
That's where liberation starts.
Courage, truth, and infinite love,
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I don’t believe in magic, but I know that it works!
Magic is not a belief system, it’s a practice that works. Don’t believe me? Come try it out. If it doesn’t work, you lose nothing. But if it does… your dream life is about to begin!
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